You Could Be Happy
by Yui-Mag
Summary: A year had almost passed. Maybe its time to think of saying goodbye...


Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, I just borrow the characters from time to time. I do not own the song nor the lyrics, they just seem appropriate for the story. They actually inspired the story. But they are from Snow Patrol "You could be happy." Enjoy.

You Could Be Happy…

Hikaru stood up and walked away from the goban and his opponent with a bowed head. His body language certainly didn't speak of victory and yet that is what he was walking away with. His grip on his fan tightened and he ignored the questioning looks that were being thrown his way. He just wanted to go outside and feel the fresh air on his skin. He needed to get out of here, just for a bit. He pushed his feet into his sneakers, nearly tumbling onto his butt in his haste.

But when the doors from the go institute opened, releasing him from its confines, his relief knew no bounds. Hikaru gulped in the slightly chilly air, relishing the brisk spring wind as it slapped his cheeks. Gently, he perched himself on one of the steps. With distant eyes, the young man started to fold and unfold his fan.

_You could be happy and I won't know…  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go._

'Hey Sai,' His internal monologue started. 'How are you right now? Are you having fun? Are you playing go where you are? God, I hope so…' Hikaru's shoulders gave a minute shake. 'I've been doing good in this world that you discovered with me. Touya's my rival, he finally sees me. I know. I know…I tell you that each time. But Sai, he sees you still, in me. He sees the difference though. He sees what you've taught me and how much you let me grow. You were right about him. You were right about a lot of things, come to think of it. But don't get cocky just cuz of that!" He shifted, the hard concrete was starting to be uncomfortable especially after having been in seiza for so long. 'Ne Sai? How would you go about telling him about you? I promised him that someday, I'd tell him everything. Someday.' Hikaru shook his head. 'Sorry. Here I am rambling at you when you probably just want to know how the game went. Well, it actually got a bit tricky in the middle… I had to think about how you would go about dealing with this one move. But anyway, the game started like this—' The young man continued to recall each move in his head as others started to leave the go institute. Their passing did not disturb him until one called out his name.

"Shindo?" The voice roused him from his reverie.

'Gotta go Sai. I'll talk to you later.' Hikaru thought, the familiar tightness in his throat coming in the way from truly smiling. "Hey Waya! How did your game go?" The redhead was looking at him with some concern.

"Fine. Another win in the bag. You?"

"Same." Waya nodded slowly at the answer and looked around him, concern turning into puzzled disbelief.

"Are you waiting for someone?" He asked tentatively, taking a seat next to his friend.

"No." Hikaru muttered. "Just thinking…"

"Oh?" Waya wasn't sure if he should push the other. Isumi had told him not too. The older pro had said something about letting Shindo come to them if he needed it. That Shindo would know best what would help him at this point. Waya thought it was a load of crap half the time. Despite the time that had passed since last May, Shindo remained different. Like he was still hurting inside but Waya would be damned if he could figure out what had hurt him.

"Yeah." The boy breathed the word out. "Its almost been a year. Just one more month and then a full year. It's hard to believe that sometimes." Waya bit down hard, teeth grinding against each other. A year? Of what? Of Isumi being back? Of Shindo starting to play again? Nothing made sense! The redhead has asked around at one point, scaring that one girl—a childhood friend of Shindo'--and had found nothing. No one in the Shindo family had died. Yet Isumi had stated that it was like Shindo was grieving. Grieving what? No one had died! Grumbling down any questions that he wanted to ask, the older of the two stood up.

"Come on. It's cold out here." He watched as those wide eyes focused on his offered hand and inexplicably, Waya wanted to take the younger boy into the protection of his arms. "Isumi didn't have a game today. He's bound to have made a yummy lunch. Want to come with me to find out?" It was inherently important to make the other smile, really smile, if he couldn't push. If he couldn't ask. If he couldn't fix it himself. The half smile that touched those lips just weren't enough. They were such a pale comparison to what he'd grown used to. A cold hand grabbed his own, the grip firm and strong.

"Of course." There was a slight pause as the other was lifted. "Though I'd prefer ramen. No offense to Isumi's cooking." The words were forced out rather hurriedly as if Shindo was only playing the part. Well, he'd play his part too. He'd promised Isumi. So he snorted, he grumbled, he even shoved, but his worry didn't take cover.

It only grew.

_And all the things that I wish I had not said,  
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head._

"Waya, is that you?" Isumi's voice called out from the living room. "I saved you some lunch. It's in the fridge." Waya nodded silently, carefully removing his shoes from his feet. He wasn't in the mood to be lectured by his roommate about not placing them in their rightful spot. Shindo followed his movements, a small shadow behind him. "Waya?" Isumi's voice came closer.

"Yeah. I'm here." He found his voice. "Brought someone to see the new apartment as well."

"Shindo!" Isumi's gentle smile softened the helpless irritation that had been growing in Waya's chest. Their eyes met in a second of understanding before Isumi focused all of his attention on their guest. They weren't best friends for nothing and they'd gotten the hang of silent communication years before. Shindo stood, looking around.

"Hey Isumi. How are you?" He glanced further down the small entrance hallway, making sure not to look the older player in the eye. "Hope I'm not an inconvenience." Isumi made a little noise and pushed the other into the apartment, giving him an impromptu tour. It gave Waya time to sort his feelings out or try to anyway. He decided the best way to deal with them was to just focus on his promise to Isumi. No pushing. Right. No pushing. Got it. No pushing. Breath. No pushing. He punched the wall near the coat hanger. The coats muffled the sound. None whatsoever. Satisfied, his hand tingling a bit, Waya moved away and joined into the hasty conversation as to why the two friends had suddenly decided to move in together.

They finally settled on the couch with plates of reheated lunch. There'd been enough to feed an army and Isumi shrugged casually explaining it away. He was too used to cooking for one person only. Trying to cook for two was more complex than he'd imagined. Shindo grinned while nodding and between two bites he even managed to give a full mouthed compliment making Waya wince.

"That's disgusting." Isumi ignored the bantering that broke out between the two younger boys. He just observed the interaction and smiled a bit as Waya warned Shindo about the public hazards the other potentially represented. It went on, back and forth for a bit. Isumi just settled into his seat a bit more comfortably, waiting for the right moment to interrupt.

"So how have you been?" Shindo made a show of chewing and swallowing his food before answering, his glare challenging Waya to say anything.

"Good." His answer was bland though. And just a tad wary as if he was expecting Isumi to dissect anything he said and analyze it under a microscope. "Nothing much has happened actually." It made Isumi pause for a moment, wondering why that was. He'd barely seen the other since…oh…since that one game. In Shindo's room with tears falling upon a dusty goban. Oh. Oh no. Waya sighed, obviously frustrated. The look he shot Isumi was slightly apologetic as if he knew what he was going to do next would not be approved.

"What's going on Shindo?" The redhead asked, voice sharp and cutting through the masquerade. "You've been avoiding Isumi like the plague ever since he came back. You're sad." Shindo tensed where he sat, fork in the air not moving.

"Waya maybe this…"

"No. I've tried waiting. I've tried being patient. It doesn't work Isumi." Waya continued on, barely taking the time to breath. "You're, you're just not there unless a freaking goban is facing you. And even then! May is coming like you said earlier and it's like… it's like somebody has died!" The fork clattered onto the plate. The sound startling all three of them.

"I should go." Shindo stated softly. "Thank you for the lunch."

"Shindo!" Waya hissed. "Let us help you! What the hell is happening?"

"Nothing." A plate was shoved into his hands. "Nothing. I just have to go. I," Shindo was moving past him. Waya let both plates drop onto the little coffee table they had and followed him. "I promised Touya I'd play him today. I nearly forgot. He's going to kill me." When his hand touched Shindo's shoulder, the other turned. "_Really_." The word was hissed into his face. And then he was staring at a closing door. The memory of eyes that were too big and too bright burned in his mind.

"Awh hell." He groaned, punching the wall again.

_Is it too late to remind you how we were?  
But not our last days of silent screaming blur._

"Shindo?" Ichikawa greeted him with a questioning smile.

"Is Touya here today?" He asked, not responding as politely as he should. The woman was used to it though and waved him in before coming to lean onto her hand, elbow resting on the counter.

"Where else would he be." She asked to herself as the other was already more than half way across the room.

"Touya." He muttered the name as he fell into the chair opposite of his rival. The other looked up and replied in the same manner.

"Shindo." Pale hands started to take apart the pattern that had been growing on the goban between them. Hikaru watched, feeling relief settle through him as nothing but the usual routine played around him. He could trust Touya not to ask…He started to feel his legs though as he sat quietly. He'd run the whole way here. It was amazing in itself that he wasn't more breathless. It was even more amazing that Waya hadn't followed him. He winced and sank deeper into his chair. Waya would give him hell next time they met. He'd have to explain himself somehow and he just… Hikaru swallowed hard, hating the way his tightened throat just hurt. He tried to focus on Touya's hands instead watching as they gracefully worked across the goban. He knew Touya was taking his time in putting the go stones away, giving _him_ time to recover. The green eyes that flicked towards him in a silent question gave Touya away without forcing Hikaru to answer it if he chose not to. But he was thankful for it. The last go stone was replaced and the two gokes were placed onto the middle of the goban.

"…I don't want to play…" Hikaru found himself whispering. Touya remained silent, his green eyes continuing to assess his rival. "I played well today. I won my game." The other nodded, ignoring the defensive tone. He wasn't quite sure what his rival wanted from him nor why he had come today. But he had and something was obviously bothering him. He was pushed into speaking when Hikaru remained silent. Was he looking for reassurance? It didn't seem like him at all.

"I saw the game. Ogata-san replayed it for me." He offered finally. Hikaru nodded not surprised, his attention was at the window. It was grey outside. Dark rain clouds were starting to take over the previously blue sky.

"It'll be May in one month. But it's still so cold outside." Touya glanced at the windows across the room as well. For a minute the two just stared as others walked past the go salon. Hikaru relaxed further into the warm room, the sound of others playing go around him was comforting.

"It'll warm up soon enough." Touya started, trying not to be unnerved by the odd conversation.

"It always does, doesn't it?"

"Yes."

_Most of what I remember makes me sure  
I should've stopped you from walking out the door._

"Touya?" Hikaru's voice broke as he said his rival's name. Green eyes snapped back to focus on him. "I don't know how to…" He paused and brought a hand up to press at his prickling eyes. "I don't know how to do this anymore." He sniffed once. "How do you say goodbye?" If his eyes had been open to see, if they hadn't been covered, Hikaru would have seen the way Touya paled dramatically. He would have seen those elegant hands reach for him before coming back down and folding themselves on Touya's lap. He would have seen the despaired grimace that twisted the polite expression of his rival's face. He saw nothing though except Sai's face. He heard nothing except the desperate ghost's voice trying to tell him 'Hikaru…Hikaru, I'm afraid that my time is running out. Hikaru…' and his own selfish and angry response. "I've never had to deal with death before." He whispered unknowingly. And could Sai's disappearance really be described as death? The ghost had died before. But. He just didn't know how else to explain it. He really didn't. "I don't know how…"

He heard the sound of a chair moving. He felt the pressure of a warm hand on his shoulder. Still there was silence. An awkward silence, making his throat feel even tighter and his eyes feel more dangerously wet. He wanted to take the moment back. Why had he come here? Why talk about it to Touya when the mere thought of talking to Waya about it had sent him running? Waya had asked, had obviously cared and…

"There's no set way to say goodbye." The words were spoken close to his face. The warm breath passing softly by his cheek. "When," There was a hesitation. "when I lost my grandfather…" The warm breath pushed at his hair. "…I was inconsolable." The young man admitted softly. "I wrote him letters and sent them in secret to his home as if he were still alive. My parents found out of course. The letters kept returning to us. But they didn't say anything about it for the longest of times." Touya stopped for a second, contemplative and voice sad. "They had to finally. The house had been bought and the new owners…" The words trailed off. "Anyway, the thing is. I've found that it helped to remember the moments I had with him. The real goodbye doesn't always happen like we imagine it will. It won't always make sense. Nor will it be final." The words were painfully honest and it was after Touya answered that Hikaru understood why he'd come here. He'd recognized the same darkness, the same emptiness in Touya's too serious eyes. Touya had already come face to face with loss. Nearly more than once, he'd nearly lost his father…

Hikaru's pushed his hands harder against his face, refusing to cry. He didn't want to cry.

_You could be happy, I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far._

As if from far away he heard Ichikawa's worried voice and Touya's muffled answer. He felt his rival move, rising from his previously kneeled position. Touya was standing now, a physical shield against curious eyes. Hikaru could only sit, unwanted tears rolling past his fingers. "I don't have anyone to remember him with." It was an agonized whisper. "No one but me. Me. He deserves more." The words were choked out. He couldn't even recognize his voice. And god it hurt. It really hurt. The warm pressure on his shoulder returned and he leaned towards it. The other remained a silent but strong presence near him, offering the simple comfort of understanding.

Touya didn't know what else to say. Didn't know if anything else could be said. I'm sorry didn't seem to cut it and it was obvious anyhow. He shook his head if anyone came to close. He knew they were worried and he knew Shindo would appreciate their concern after the fact. But right now? It would seem too intrusive and it would embarrass the other. He stood there for what seemed to be hours and yet when the tears finally stopped and his rival excused himself, Touya couldn't help but feel that it hadn't been nearly long enough. He stopped himself from following the other, respecting his wish to be alone. Weakly he sat back down in his chair facing the now empty spot where his rival had been sitting.

He stared at the chair, feeling his heart ache with unhealed wounds of his own. Brief flashes of horrid telephone calls caused him to tremble slightly. Each time someone died or was sent to the hospital, the phone would ring when no one was expecting a call. He had come to hate the sound because he knew it was unforgiving. And it would ring one day soon. The young man bowed his head, his hair falling to hide his face. Too soon.

_Somehow everything I own, smells of you  
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true._

His eyes felt raw and his cheeks itched and burned from the salty tears. His throat was still tight, his mind screaming at him as he walked on numbly. He rubbed at his cheeks gingerly, hoping that it wasn't too noticeable that he'd been crying. If it was, his mother would give him a hell of a time before he'd be allowed to escape to the comforts of his room. He wanted to be alone now. Desperately needed it. The skin near his eyes felt too tight on his face. He hated the sensation. It seemed silly somehow, to be hurting so much inside with an unspeakable grief and have such feelings invade them. Like how he was sore from sitting or cold or just plain uncomfortable after crying. Stupid thoughts flowed through him, what would Touya think now? Would he pity him? Would Waya really be angry with him?

Why was it like that? Why were humans so afraid of truly feeling what was inside of themselves instead of always using distractions to hide from it all? Maybe it was because there was only so much crying, so much pain one could handle before completely losing it. Hikaru didn't know. He didn't want to.

He opened the door to his house cautiously and listened for sounds coming in from the kitchen. It was blissfully silent and he trudged up the stairs. He flopped onto his bed the minute he could, staring at the white ceiling. Slowly he closed his eyes. His mind shied away from thinking of what Sai would do or say right now. He turned to his sighed and curled into a little ball.

_Do the things that always wanted to  
Without me there to hold you back, don't think…just do_

It was finally May and it was sunny outside. Hikaru watched the sky for a few moments before glancing down at Shusaku's tombstone. He knelt down, a paper tightly being held in his hand. "Hey Sai," He started. "I wrote you something." He unfolded it, fingering the creases before placing it down on the flat stone. He looked around and grabbed a rock that would hold the paper down. "Since I don't have an address to send it to I thought I'd leave it here. You had a lot of memories with Torajiro here and its peaceful…" He looked around, blinking away sudden tears. "It's still weird not having you around. Bet you never thought I'd miss you so much, you jerk." He sniffed. The tombstone was getting blurrier and blurrier before him. He dug his nails into his other hand and took a deep breath. "It's hard sometimes." He tried again. "I just want to talk to you again. I want to play with you again…" He was drawing blood and sniffling more than talking. "I wish I could take it all back. All the times I was mean to you and, and just every time I didn't understand. You know?" Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he let them. "I'd do it all over. I swear, I'd let you play more…I'd do anything. _Anything_." He was really crying now. "I'd just be happy to have you home."

The soft wind around him was picking up and playing with his hair. He rose a bloody hand to push his hair back behind his ears and wipe his face with. "But that's the thing…" The words were stammered out as he shuddered from the sobs he wouldn't let escape. "…I'll never have that again. You won't come back home. And I'll never know if you're happy… or if you're proud of…me…" The rock shifted under the wind. "I" His eyes were nearly shut as he started to sob the words out. "really…" No amount of wiping could dry his cheeks. "…miss you…" The rock rolled off and the paper flew in the air. Hikaru let it, hardly aware of the fact. It nearly touched the clouds, flying with the wind. The written words were shaky, some barely legible as if they'd been dipped in water.

Tear drops perhaps?

_More than anything, I want to see you  
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world. _

A soft rain started to fall, despite the shining sun. Hikaru turned his face to it, the rain coming and blending with his own tears. And high in the sky a shimmering rainbow started to form as sun and rain came together.

_Miss you Sai, miss you more than you could know.  
Hope you're happy where you are. I truly do…_

_Hikaru_

The end.


End file.
